While battling Lyme, it is easy to 'lose yourself'. The losses are overwhelming, and bring grief. There are more unanswered questions than there are answered.
Survival-mode is the modus operandi. Who has the energy for anything more most days, and if you do have more energy- you are trying to catch up with all the things left undone that demand attention.
Meanwhile, your personhood shrinks more and more- as things are left undone, less contact with other people, more and more about what has to be done- less and less room for what I like/want to do.
But, deep inside, your personhood is hanging on for dear life!
We are well into autumn here now- a couple weeks ago I was slowly walking out to the mailbox, and I a clump of Milkweed plants, which my husband had carefully avoided with the mower ensuring butterflies would have what they needed from the plant.
Their leaves were brown, but not yet dropped - and there were the pods I had watched transform from flower- now opened and spilling out delicate, fluffy seeds- launched gently by the autumn breeze.
I couldn't help but feel encouraged. Looking around- I saw many of the plants and trees expressing seeds...even while settling in for a long winter rest.
You see, it reminded me that the LORD had created me as a non-repeatable human being... with hopes, dreams, talents, gifts, wishes... And even in times when Lyme doesn't always allow me to express them- His Holy Spirit acknowledges them in me- and in time, His gentle breeze will again release those things now being held hostage by Lyme.
Meanwhile- I must rest in Him and His timing... Continuing to study His Word, the Person of Jesus Christ, the Father, and the Holy Spirit... He will keep those things within my heart alive- even unto eternity. For now- as I rest, and am quite, I can ask Him to teach me- so I can be ready when He gently releases me to share in life again.
I can also pay attention to those things in my heart- allowing the LORD to sift out sin, and reveal that which is uniquely 'me'- in which He delights. He listens to my heart and soul attentively.... Others may not care, listen, or no longer view me someone of depth- just someone who is 'sick'. But the LORD knows us deeply- we can bring all our hopes, dreams, wishes... to Him.
Even the 'little things'. Last week, I was coming off of a tough couple weeks and was trying to get some laundry done. My laundry room doubles as a 'flower-drying' room for us girls when we get flowers. I had accidentaly bumped one of my daughter's upside-down hanging bouquets; having been there awhile, a few of the dried petals wafted to the floor. I mused, half to myself, and half to the LORD, that it had been so long since I'd gotten a bouquet of flowers. I was feeling unoticed, and lonely- and the beauty of flowers is usually uplifing to me- but now it was fall, and the garden held no bright, cheery colors...there was no 'special occaission' in sight, and finances tight...well- I quickly packed that wish back inside my heart, just glad that the LORD is patient to listen when I share these things with Him.
A couple days later- my husband came home with a bouquet of flowers for me! (This is not a regular occurence.) It was wonderful in that I knew that LORD had heard that cry from my personhood, and had not only not condemned me for the wish- but He had directed my husband to bring that wish to reality, and my husband had graciously followed that direction!
The LORD is never too busy to listen to our heart and soul...Even when we think we have lost our own personhood to the thieving of Lyme; The LORD will do something so unique, so personable...just to let us know, He knows us, He hears us, He cares about us... We are not alone, He loves us uniquely... we (our personhoods) are not lost!
Psalm 4:3
But know that the LORD has set apart the godly man for Himself; The LORD hears when I call to Him.
Psalm 34:17
The righteous cry, and the LORD hears And delivers them out of all their troubles.
Psalm 138:3,8 "On the day I called Thou didst answer me. Thou didst make me bold with strength in my soul...The LORD will accomplish what concerns me; Thy lovingkindness, O LORD, is everlasting..."
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