These days, I am 'awake' enough to step into the world around me a bit more. Others are certainly participating at a much greater speed and depth than I, but I can make it to the sidelines, and even step over the line and make my way a few steps from time to time.
A lot of time is spent observing, as I sit wherever I am quite a bit.
Recently, it'd become apparent to me that something else Lyme has held captive in me, is my 'creativity'. Why, I used to fancy myself as a creative person...enjoying crafts, colors, sounds, baking, decorating, making up jingles, playing an instrument, singing...
Thankfully, my days aren't as 'grey' as they had been late in the Lyme, and early in treatment... I have glimmers of creativity- but it seems continuing fatigue and lack of resources continue to dull it. Also- I hadn't realized how much I'd entered into just plain 'survival mode'...get 'er done...with whatever was handy, simple, inexpensive.
This was glaring recently when I was at a party. Oh my, it was wonderful! The ladies had done so many cute decorations and baking....I was exhausted and amazed just looking at everything. I just couldn't help myself wondering- wow, I used to do these things. It is great to get to be at the party- but it seemed everyone there was running creative circles around me...
I wanted to speak up and say- 'Hey, I'm creative too- really I am...er, I used to be...actually, I'm not sure if I am any more...I'd like to do those things too- what fun...but, no- the energy and resources aren't there...
Yes, the Pity-Party was now knocking on my door, even before I'd left the fine, beautiful party I was at. (Just being pathetically authentic here.)
Actually- I was thankful for the others doing such a lovely party, as it was for a family member- and I wouldn't been able to do it. I guess there's just something about not being able to do it myself that is so irksome...
Later- I was reminded that maybe my old-creative-self was being held captive, but it doesn't mean it's completely gone. There are a lot of things that Lyme holds captive in our lives- but it is the Lyme holding those captive, not that I've 'lost them'....those things about me are still there- maybe not with the freedom to express as they once did, but they are there... Lyme has not stolen them from me..
Probably more accurate: I've come to realize that I am still creative. It's just not with cute, fancy, doo-dad kinda things anymore. But those of us with Lyme and limitations have to be creative-- It's just our creativity is being re-directed-- how to live simply, create a meal when so limited on what can be eaten, how to do something the most energy conscious as possible, how to remember to take our medications...
And, how to 'do life'- maybe being in 'survival mode' is really being creative in disguise?!
Meanwhile- I need to continue to take one day at a time! Do what I can, and be thankful for the creativity I do have- even if it isn't always cute, fancy, or getting a lot of oos&ahhs... And it I keep applying creativity to my circumstances, maybe there'll be moments ahead when I can actually attend to some cute&fancy-no other good reason-creativity.
And, just to keep the kind of creativity alive that is being help captive- I can always feed it a crumb or too- by looking for simple projects that are within reach....using my scraps of yarn for a quick project, a couple months ago I cut out snowflakes to decorate our windows, get free magazines from the give-away bin at the library- just to see the colors, look for little projects...
Beloved- our God Sees. Our God is The Creator. He built creativity into us- He understands... He also appreciates best what it is to be creative with having the least of resources. Give your desires/emotions over to Him- place them at His Throne of Grace...breathe in His presence, His love, His beauty...
Blessings-
Psalm 139
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