Ever have a bomb dropped on you?
Out of nowhere. Blue sky. BOOM!
In my case, the shell of the bomb was an email from a confidant who was blasting me about the sin in my life (to which I'd already confessed, and have been repentive- and now am in the 're-programming stages' as the Chief Engineer re-wires me and I get used to re-routing my ways to align with His Way).
She also mentions, amoungst other things, that I need to stop hiding behind chronic illness. OUCH!
Okay- that one really stung; actually several judgements stung, but that one in particular because I'd really believed this person had understood to a goody portion of the all the challenges I have going on battling Lyme...
I don't know about you- but I have plenty of times where I am just trying to sort out my thinking and emotions- are those things related to the borrelia and babesia in my brain, or is it my whacked out endocrine system (what's left of it), or is it menopause, or is it plain faulty thinking, or am I thinking correctly;
am I 'just emotional', or is it my funky fluctuating hormonal system, lack of sun, isolation, pain, grief;
am I truly misunderstood, or is it my imagination? Is my anger related to the infections, the hormones, natural response to stimuli...or am I sinful: contemptuous, rebellious, bitter...
My confidant sees me in a pit, which I would say is fairly accurate as of late- as I've gone to her to help me deal with some things, as it gets overwhelming and discouraging... I am facing some ugly stuff in my heart- never pretty to do, or easy, or quick.
In her email, she shares how she keeps throwing different things 'down to me' and she doesn't think I want to grab hold of what she is throwing to me.
Well, I guess if it were things I could grasp, that would help. But mostly, I told her I guess what would be good is that instead of someone throwing something 'down to me'- It would be a great help to have someone who would be willing to step into the pit with me, take hold of my hand with gentleness and strength, and walk alongside of me as we (I) make my bloody way out of the pit.
Ah, and isn't that just what Jesus did for us? He humbled Himself, stepping out of Heaven- out of limitlessness onto earth, putting on the limitations of humanness....He encountered trials, being isolated, tempted, ridiculed, misunderstanding, rejection, pain.... My Lord knows all these things personally, and He is near now to take my hand and walk me out of the pit.
He doesn't call down to me and tell me to get all washed up first, and come up to Him...
He will admonish me- but He does not accuse me. And when I confess my sin, He is faithful and just to forgive me-- He will take my hand in the process of healing and renewing, lovingly and fearfully leading me in His way.
He will help me sort all these things out. Meanwhile, I will look for new counsel. One who will come alongside of me, admonish gently with understanding and humility; and give me practical help and encouragement as I get off my knees and begin taking my wobbly steps on the newly lit path.
Bombs are no fun! But once things settle down, and accounts are taken- I see that the Lord will use even this bomb to teach me something more about Him, about me, how I respond to others- how He wants me to respond to others.
LORD- heal me in this- You know my heart-of-hearts better than anyone else- You have been leading me toward healing, and I thank You that You alone are Just, Truth, and Love. Let me learn what You would have me to learn from this- that I might better serve You. Help me to sort out all the tangles in my heart- and direct me to good counsel as You reveal the roots of those tangles.
Bless Your Holy Name~
Isaiah 1:18 IJohn 1:9 Colossians 3:16 Psalm 69:20 I Thessalonians 5:14 Hebrews 4:15-16